On the RUN!
From the book What I’d Say To The Martians And Other Veiled Threats
Originally published in Opium Magazine
I remember the time I ran away from home. The police were after me right away, and I’ll tell you why: because home WAS THE STATE PRISON!
I ran and ran. I came to some hoboes around a fire. They offered me something to eat. I noticed a hobo lying there, motionless.
“What’s with him?” I said.
“Oh, him,” another hobo said. They shared a look. One even snickered. “I don’t think he’ll be wanting any food, because, you see, HE’S ASLEEP!”
The food had a funny taste. When I asked what it was, the main hobo said it was a special recipe. I insisted he tell me. He finally said it was CAMPBELL’S PORK & BEANS!
“You don’t have to yell,” I said. I asked what was in Campbell’s Pork & Beans. “Beans,” he said. As I lifted a spoonful into my mouth he said something else: “And DEAD PIG!”
I spit it out and ran from the hoboes’ camp. I ran until I was out of breath. I pulled out a map to get my bearings. Then I remembered, I DON’T KNOW HOW TO READ A MAP! I threw the map down, then went back to get it, because THAT’S LITTERING!
I ran into the woods and ducked inside a cave. I was safe. Or so I thought. From the darkness behind me, I heard a LOW, OMINOUS GROWLING! I turned to see TWO EYEBALLS IN THE DARK! It was a bear.
In a panic, I ran out, into the woods. But soon the ground gave out beneath me. I started sinking. Oh, no, I thought, THIS IS QUICKSAND! But then I remembered that I THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS QUICKSAND! But then I thought, maybe this time it’s true, and THIS REALLY IS QUICKSAND!
I called out for help. A farmer came running. “Hold on,” he said. He held out a stick for me to grab. But when I grabbed it, my hands started burning. Then I realized that IT WAS POISON IVY! The farmer said he didn’t think it was poison ivy because POISON IVY DOESN’T USUALLY GROW IN A STICK-LIKE MANNER! Okay, then, but WHY WERE MY HANDS BURNING?!
The farmer pulled me out. As he did, I looked up and saw something horrible: I WAS RIGHT BELOW HIS CROTCH! Then there was something even worse: the horrible smell of SWAMP GAS!
The cops came. Were they taking me back to prison? No, they said, they WERE TAKING ME BACK TO MY APARTMENT IN CHELSEA! It turns out that I had just thought I was in prison, and INSTEAD I LIVE IN AN APARTMENT IN CHELSEA!
I hope you enjoyed this story, but if you haven’t, THEN YOU’RE PROBABLY A HOBO!