I had eaten the dreaded aloha fruit. It’s called that because it makes you say goodbye to your consciousness. It was the aloha fruit that killed Captain Cook. He didn’t eat it; he was pelted with it by the Hawaiians. And then basted with an aloha-fruit butter sauce.
The aloha fruit went to work on me. Strange feelings gripped my body and strange visions filled my head.
It felt like my head was being stepped on by an elephant — and not a regular elephant but a really fat one.
It felt like I was lying on a giant anvil, being pounded by a giant hammer. And I wanted to cry out, “I’m flat enough!”
I felt like I was traveling through outer space. And at the same time I was traveling back through time. And not only that, it sounded like I was dragging something.
It felt like I was caught in a giant spider web and trying not to flutter.
I saw myself as a balloon puller in the Macy’s parade, and the balloon I was pulling was a giant Uncle Lou!
My eyes started twitching and my foot started tapping. I felt that if someone had handed me a banjo, I could have played it.
I became a tiny neuron in a brain, helping the brain to remember when it got turned down for the prom.
I saw myself on a castle wall, hurling rocks down on people, then getting kicked off the castle tour.
It felt like I was on a wild, spinning bull, trying to brush my teeth.
I saw myself trying to control a raging flame thrower, looking desperately for the “off” switch.
I saw myself as an old man. Then I saw myself as a skeleton, then as a pile of dust. I think I liked skeleton me the best.
Entering the Unknown
I found a trailhead. There was a big sign from the Hawaiian Park Service. It said: “Warning: Trail may be slippery after rainfall.” My heart sank. Should I turn back? Then I remembered the words of old Carlos. He said, “Sometimes you have to…” I forget the rest. But it inspired me to keep going.
I set off down the trail. Nothing would stop me.
That’s when I heard a sweet female voice. “Hey, you!” she yelled. I froze in my tracks.
I looked down. There, swimming in a lake, was a beautiful native girl. And I’m not saying she was beautiful just because she was nude.
“Let me see your face!” she yelled. I poked my head out between the leaves. She seemed to be deciding something for quite a while. Then she finally said, “Come! Swim!”
I scrambled down to the shore. I took off my flip-flops and shirt and started to take off my cutoffs when she shouted, “No, leave pants on!”
She was standing waist-deep. She was resplendent. Sparkles of light glistened off her breasts, and I guess off other parts of her body.
I dog-paddled out. Just as I was about to reach her, she swam off, to the shore. I followed. She picked a piece of fruit off a tree and took a bite. She handed the fruit to me. I took a bite and swallowed. The last thing I remembered was her spitting out her bite.