Despite what you may have thought, prison is not a lot of fun. I began to think about escape.
I mentioned it to my cellmate, Carlos. Carlos was the oldest and wisest prisoner. I think his inmate number was something like 0000000014.
According to Carlos, contrary to what the warden had said, several people had escaped from Aloha State Prison. He started describing the escapes, in detail, one by one. At first it was interesting, but then he kept going on and on. I thought, Man, shut up, I’m trying to concentrate!
I thought and thought, but I couldn’t come up with a really good escape plan. In desperation, I wrote to Uncle Lou, back in America, asking him to come get me out. I had thought Uncle Lou was dead, but it turned out he was lying about that. Now, when I hear someone has died, I make sure. I call up the family and question them. “Are you positive he’s dead?” I’ll say.
I told Uncle Lou I knew about a new Hawaiian treasure, but he wasn’t buying it.
He wrote back me back and said that he thought prison might finally make a man out of me. I cried and cried.
My friend Don often came to visit me in prison. He had decided to stay in Hawaii, working for a charity that helps isolated villages. Don’s so weird.
Don was married to Leilani, the most beautiful and sexiest girl in all Hawaii — even including the Great Ass Islands. She should have been married to me, but she married Don instead. Don cheated; he was “nice.”
I asked him how he and Leilani were getting along. He said fine.
“No big arguments, that could maybe lead to a breakup?”
“We have arguments like every couple, but we don’t stay mad.”
I asked him about his health. Did he have any serious diseases? “I’m feeling fine,” he said. “Thanks for asking.”
Don gave me a book. When I got back to my cell, I opened it. But inside there was no gun, no file, or even a bookmark!
That night I had a dream about Leilani. She and I were married, and we were very happy. But then, in the dream, I started fooling around with Leilani’s younger sister. Leilani caught us and said the word no married man wants to hear: counseling.
“We need get counseling!” she shouted.
I woke up in a cold sweat.